Luna's Loony Articles by Marauding Moonbabe

Rating: PG13
Genres: Humor
Relationships: Ron & Luna
Book: Ron & Luna, Books 1 - 6
Published: 05/10/2005
Last Updated: 15/10/2005
Status: In Progress

Luna Lovegood has always been enveloped in a strange world of her own. A series of articles she
wrote for the Quibbler shows just how strange that world really is. Welcome to the land of
random...




1. History of a Sun God
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History of a Sun God

Loony Lovegood

As you know, the Sun God in his earthly form is known as Draco Malfoy. Even uwois know that, and
they tend to be rather dull… that means stupid. Anyway, the Sun God has a rainy history. I wish it
would rain every other Monday; that way I could see a liddlederger. On the other hand, they would
make a cosmic star fall on the Slytherin Common Room. You know what happens when cosmic stars land
on top of you; you become extinct… you die. Then when he died, I would have nothing to report on,
as non-sun gods tend to be rather boring.

Sun God's history definitely fits the saying, “The shadow proves the sunshine.” Somebody
made that into some song I think. I believe that I will say that five times fast. Well, I have
procrastinated long enough to put you into a “vortex of suspense” as my daddy says. Not to offend
him, but he is a bigot with a big, Grecian nose. I guess I can start with Sunnyboy's history
now.

Lucius sired Draco, and his dam was Narcissa Malfoy. There I go talking… or I guess typing, like
he is a stockellie, which is a mutant heifer with 3 different noses.

Anyway, his sire was quite strict. In rap lingo, it would be, “Yo yo, homey-G! Wazzap wit tat?
Dragon Dude's papa is a putting the smack smack down. Dudes.” In your people's sayings,
that would be, “Malfoy's horrid father, who seemed to hold hostility to all mankind, would drag
Draco down to the deepest depths of the dungeon to torture him with the most ferocious methods ever
known to humans.”

Since this is the smack-dab middle of the article, I will change fonts to confuse you further.
Oh by the way, I got all this inside information on the Sun God from his steady girlfriend, Ginny
Weasley. She told me that this information was very, very private, and to never reveal it to
anyone. It was Topsy-Turvy night in Taiwan, so she meant, “Tell each and every person you know what
I just revealed to you,” except with much smaller words, as she is 1/8th uwoi on her
grandmother's side, I believe. She just won't admit it.

Many people these days won't admit that they are part cat-zebra. I know tons of people, as
the time I spend “hiding myself in a corner, doing nothing to benefit the British society” is
actually people-watching time. Did you know that Josh Fungal picks his nose with his quill every
3.78546 minutes? I do; I know everything about the people I go to school with. I know tons of
people, but very few speak with me. Maybe they are just shy, as I know I did nothing to offend
them. So, I will write history of the Sun God down so it can be sent to the best newspaper ever,
which is conveniently the paper I work for, the Quibbler.

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2. Interview With a Sun God
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Luna's Loony Articles

Interview with the Sun God

Luna Lovegood

Black = Luna Lovegood

Red = Draco Malfoy

This is question number one,Draco. Do you really hold up the sun every day? Surely your arms
would go to sleep. I think you need more sleep. And no, my job isn't to hold up the sun,
that's my friend's job. What is your favorite color of dog? Umm… calico? This is the most
important question in this interview. All others are simply fluff. If you had to chose one or the
other… poster of a fluffy cat or a picture of your girlfriend? Well, don't print this, but I
would choose the cat, as an excuse for my girlfriend to go to the movies with me. She refused to go
to the grand opening of `Planet Earth, A Documentary”. I was quite upset. It's just not the
same, eating all that popcorn by yourself as the screen shows the transformation of a worm into a
moth.

Which do you like better? Hitler or Caesar? Ahhh… I think I'll take the house salad. Three
cavities being removed with no numb medicine or a hornet stinging your eyeball in the middle of an
abandoned forest. I have a confession. I am totally afraid of toothpicks. One stabbed me when I was
13, and I've never been the same. I used to sing like bass. Now I sing Soprano. No, it's
Soprano one, which is the highest note singer people. What is the most important thing you have
ever done? Once, I was in a Native American reservation, and I saw a dude with feathers sticking
out of his head, and I said, “Look a real Injun!” It's really important to me, because that day
I almost got scalped. I was bald for the next year. If you could dye your hair any color, what
would it be? Hot pink, because it's like, totally masculine. What are the five things you would
do if you ruled the world? Is this Miss America? Cause if it is, then hi Mum! You always said
I'd get here, thanks for believing in me. Dad, I proved you wrong. I didn't become a sumo
wrestler. Now, I would pick… world peace, food for the hungry, death for the murderers…

Boxers or whitey-tighties? Beer or champagne? Depends on the day and… as Miss America, beer is
bad for your breath and champagne is a bad habit. Worse than plate spinning I believe. Football
teams… Florida Gators or Tennessee Volunteers? We are the Tennessee; we are the Tennessee
Volunteers. Go UT! Go UT! We are from Tennessee; we are from Tennessee! GO UT VOLS!!! Go UT VOLS!!!
Do you like Kentucky state quarters or Louisiana? What on this good earth is a quarter? I pay in
yin! I'm Chinese, you inconsiderate prat! In that sentence you used a hillbilly accent, British
slang, and said you were Chinese. Are you okay? Yes I am okay. Have you never heard of
Scotch-Irish? Well, I'm a Hillish-Chinese. Ha!

What is Gabriela and your favorite song? The swimming chicken dance. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na!
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na! Na, na, na, na, na, na, na! Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack! What is the
meaning of life? To promote devastation, destruction, and disruption wherever I go in this fiery
vortex of darkness and despair. Thanks you so much for this informative information full of things
that the public need to know. At the Quibbler, we promote articles that give the facts, the whole
facts, and nothing but the facts. You have contributed to a worthy cause. I know. I'm such a
generous, wonderful, gorgeous, whimsical person. Thank you, thank you, thank you. The roses are
appreciated ladies, but honestly, I'm way to good for you. Bye now!

A/N: Okay, I know that this is super out of character for Draco Malfoy, but I sort of wanted to
interview an idiot. Also, I know that this story has no strict plot (or plot at all), but this is
just for people who need a laugh or two. Writing these things puts me in such a good mood. There
really isn't any romance, or horrid deaths, just laughs and stupidity. Next article is Adopt an
Alpaca and Save Money on Your Car Insurance. I've been told that it's my funniest one
yet.

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3. Adopt an Alpaca
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Luna’s Loony Articles

Adopt an Alpaca

Luna Lovegood

Today’s article shall tell you why you must adopt an alpaca, and save a lot of money on your car
insurance. You see in 1345, alpacas were the main source of transportation in the high mountains of
Death Valley. Oh, I mean Himalayas, sorry. Alpacas were quite the off-road vehicle back then. So, I
ask, why not now? They have tons of hair, fur, fluff, etc. Therefore, they will make one darn good
sweater on those cold summer nights. They have an amazing ½ mile an hour mileage, in addition to no
gas required. Well, except for hay.

Also, they are environmentally helpful. Car exhaust equals holes in the ozone. Alpaca exhaust
equals more fertilizer for carrot farmers. Alpaca insurance is much less than car insurance, as no
one has ever invented alpaca insurance. So when they break a leg, you splint their leg with a
branch, put them in you cart, and pull the cart yourself. See, they are even a great workout for
you Fatkins diet freaks.

Another reason for you to buy an alpaca is that then you won’t have to listen to rap songs on
the radio. You can listen to horseflies when you drive an alpaca. Horseflies are much more
educational than rap songs, because if you listen closely, they aren’t saying “Yeah, yeah, yeah,”
all the time. They are saying “Ve vant to suck vour vood.” At least, that is what I believe
horseflies say. They always seem Bulgarian, like Victor Krum… can’t properly talk anyway. Ants, on
the other hand, are quite different. They all say, “Should we get the watermelon or the hotdog?”
and act a bit like Ronald… always thinking about food.

Horses, dogs, and cats are all quite diverse. The patient school horse says, “Now, today
kiddies, we are going to learn how to say out of my mouth. And how to not hit me in the back when
you sit your fat rears on me. Got that?” The wilder, more advanced, stubborn horse says, “Get off
of my back! And into my game! Get out of my way! And out of my brain!”

The golden retriever says, “Dude, there were awesome vibes today coming from like the ocean.
Awesome times for like surfing.” The poodle, who is much more dignified, says, “Oh my Gawd! Bob
totally flirted with me today. I was like, ‘Oh my gawd. I so totally didn’t wear my pink shirt
today.’ What on earth will I do? Oh my gawd.”

Cats (and half-kneazles) are quite the opposite of dogs. Some describe them as obnoxious, but I
think that they are just royalty. The more refined cats, or aristocats, talk like this: “Darling,
that is simply marvelous. I simply adore your petty notions of trying to get the high social status
that I hold. However, you are human, and are destined to be beneath me, serving me until the end of
your days. Now pet, please continue with my daily grooming spa.” The more forceful mousers are
rather blunt. “Shut up and hand over the catnip, and nobody gets hurt. And while you’re at it, pet
me or face the wrath of the streaking-claws-across-your-precious-furless-face.”

Here is where I would put the paragraph about what alpacas say, but that is pointless, as they
don’t seem to think about anything but the next meal. Now that I ponder that, it seems rather like
immature males. I might do an article on the relations of alpacas and immature males. Let’s
see…




Immature Males


Worry about nothing but food


Smell bad when no shower is taken


100% rude, crude, and immature in general




Alpacas


Worry about nothing but food


Smell bad forever and always


Immature. The end.




So, as you see, immature males are toned down alpacas. Therefore, that means that car insurance
must cost less when you make them pull a cart. That is why you should buy an alpaca.



